again and again

i am proving to myself that i am quite a successful investigator but at the same time its hurting me like hell. i am tripping down and disbelief what i found. urge to fight now gone. all left is urge to be pathetic me and destroy all the plan i dreamed about. i in deep serious stress that should not exist in my life,after i get rid it once. what should i do and what should i be if i lose in this inner battle? can i get up and standing again or this time will i fall down and seeing rising sun is just for another hopeless day? there is no one to blame. it is just me. who bluntly stupid and willingly to become stupid. i jeopardize future's without any plan and now i am in big trouble. when can i stop being this fool again and again?